♡ my entry (i will continue to update this diary)

i actually have the feminine urge to live off cold drink and take just my metobalism needs (im terrified of pills bleh) i also want to only vomit in my room than eat because i have no motivation to eat but it hurts so bad when i eat none almost like someone stabbed me in my tummy, i also make sure i never seem deperate because i have this energy as carrying pieces of heaven with me inside of me and dressing up neat like porcelain angel, i putted my effort to dress feminine cuz i felt gross about myself i also literally scream when i see aoi x akane on screen i love them soo much sometimes i think if only someone that perfectly virtous exisit in real life just like how akane is like i also wish꒰ঌ ໒꒱ to be treated with affection how akane treats aoi, but unfortunely real life is a bum, ♫ i can never get tired watching it on repeat while just sitting their with my true feelings that i wouldnt dare show i like imagining little scenarios in my dreams about akane like dream about the character if it was possible to actually be near the character cuz sometimes i need a little love𝄞⋆ ݁♪ .m precious girl is haunting my narrative meaning when their absense or presence affects actions or influece, i know my other good light angel side is also my true self but i dont show it cuz anyone can be fucking weird cuz im not some piece of glass they can just pick up and throw away in a cruelest way like picking wings off angel just because its good but as soon is shows magical wonderes, thats why i also call myself a dark angel cuz it only shows itself when the dark keeps on yearning to the light

this might sound fucked up my i remember i had this weird habit of fantasizing in my imagination about how perfect my confession would be with no obstacles in my way and everything understanding and meaningful in a nice quiet, while pouring my heart out but that didnt happen it was doomed from the start lol so i got a reality check and it turns out i would problably sound like a compulsive freak so mentally im like well lets play it in my head over and over again and nothing happened i love you was almost like a false hope i gave myself and so its like my throat was held with a rope and choking on my words i never said. when im truthful i be truth seeking When i cares about someone, my feelings are genuine. affection, concern, admiration, and loyalty aren't simply performances. Although im capable of deception, deception isn't necessarily my goal. my goal is usually understanding and accurately representing reality.i also realized at times when i force myself to be truthful it either turns out to be just a celestial beautiful optimism or a lie but when its a lie it becomes the truth its like a spell put on my life anyways like aqua hoshino in the manga i have dreams of my own but hopefully my life doesnt turns aganst me and makes me pull out a aqua hoshino except i wont kill myself i mean my mind becoming more mess up than in a way how aqua hoshino no longer seprates good and wrong because to focused on a unhealthy goal one thing i do know is the halo effect is surrounded at times by me basically its like this phycological term when people assume and expect that person is that way based on how pleasant they look but i also think its because of how i present myself like akane internalizes the rules of performance while maintaining a perfect belivable identity like how akane had to lie to her self to play ai hoshino while akane blends it with emotional stragetic intelligence with good not lying intentions but by making it seem convincing it becomes the only reality that matters like me my other side of dark true self is unlovable and unlikable

♡ small note ♡ isnt it neat to pretend to be normal but whats more neat is how im born to love like a apparation who loves intesenly but destined to yearn for only one enternal desire filled with love (tbhk hanako kun reference, is this real) no but seriously though...

(dw:sfw content + hehe digital footprints so cooked) i actually never related more to a character like akane kurokawa like akane is so heaavily relatable to me , i love cutecore pink anything cuz it mostly my aesthetic and i find comfort in cute things because i think it reflects my outerself like symbolic to me because it like delicously so sweet with my innocent body , I actually think about how I am a love addict like without it im like dead inside like what I mean dead inside i mean like not brain dead just like emotionally dead I dont know how to live without loving because it makes me believe I depend on loving deeply to make me feel like home inside of myself I feel too deeply even when I dont act like it i know there is more to life than love its just that I depend on loving deeply so I dont feel yearning so i dont end up buried in a hopeless need of enthusiasm because whenever i yearn too deeply I think about how addicted yearning can be as my fuel to actually feel alive that's why i rely on loving even though i still feel love inside of me , I feel concerned whenever I feel the need to put it together like control not in a possessive way but in a way where I feel less lonely, no one would understand me fully but I do know is that my good traits are motivated by love except niceness cuz niceness is basic human decency I remeber my last sane thought was actually driven by my love I mistook devotion for salvation, and somewhere between paradise and ruin, I abandoned the quiet, vulnerable parts of myself. It kept somehow still reaching for me while I went higher, smiling like an angel who had forgotten the difference between heaven and insanity.If this is love, then let my halo turn into countless circles forever turning, forever falling, forever believing that even an endless is somehow meaningful when everything begins and ends with her. My thoughts started to stutter whenever they reached her name, as though my soul could no longer process the weight of loving something so beautiful. Time dissolved into halos and static. Forever stopped being a promise I whispered to comfort myself it became the only law my heart was willing to obey. The world grew brighter in the cruelest way. Every color burned with a heavenly glow, every light looked like it belonged beyond the clouds, yet all that radiance only pulled me farther from the fragile person I once was. I kept ascending until I could no longer recognize the girl I had left behind. i think i should be okay....Social masking is when I consciously or unconsciously change the way I naturally behave, speak, or express myself around other people in order to create a certain impression or fit the social situation. This can include forcing myself to talk more, acting more interested or energetic than I actually feel, carefully controlling my tone and reactions, or continuing conversations even when I would rather be alone. I may appear calm, confident, friendly, and socially comfortable on the outside while internally feeling like I would rather withdraw or stop interacting. Social masking does not necessarily mean I have social anxiety or am socially awkward. I can be perfectly capable of socializing and still feel like I am performing a version of myself that feels more socially acceptable. It can also happen when I want to avoid appearing distant, rude, uninterested, or antisocial, so I deliberately keep conversations going to maintain a good impression.

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♡ end of entry ♡